


Horsing Around

by Daegaer



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angels, Demons, Despots, Gen, Humor, Incitatus - Freeform, Roman Empire, Suetonius and his gossip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:22:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21632872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daegaer/pseuds/Daegaer
Summary: Crowley suggests a joke to a young man with too much power.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 73





	Horsing Around

The emperor Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus glared at the visiting senators, his dearly beloved sisters and the world in general. All he wanted, _all_ he bloody _wanted_ was to rule as befitted an omnipotent, divine ruler. It wasn't too much to ask. He certainly didn't want to discuss finances and laws and matters of historical import to the bloody Republic. It wasn't a bloody republic any longer, blast it.

More than anything, he didn't want to hear that _bloody_ nickname. The soldiers kept yelling it at him. He didn’t care that it meant they liked him. He should order the lot of them crucified.

"They're all so stupid, Caesar," his newest secretary murmured, unheard by all others. "Your horse could do a better job in the senate."

The emperor looked up as if a truly brilliant idea had occurred to him, a grin beginning to tug at his lips.

* * *

"Did you _have_ to?" Aziraphale muttered to Crowley when the lists for candidate for election to consul hit the streets.

People milled around, staring at the lists and clutching their hair dramatically as they swore that this would never have happened in the old emperor's time. Most of them seemed to be quite enjoying their feelings of horror and outrage. Older people felt dizzy and staggered against younger people, whilst complaining about the young people of today. Young people admiringly whistled and muttered that the emperor really knew how to shake things up. Everyone threw their hands up and beseeched heaven to have mercy and to give them more gossip-worthy information as soon as possible.

"On the plus side, there's only so many gold-plated oats a horse can embezzle?" Crowley shrugged. "And planning a joke like this might distract Bootikins from shagging his sisters."

Aziraphale shuddered. 

"I really don't know how anyone _could_ get, ahem, frisky with those ladies. The whole family is so murderous it would be like inviting a particularly venomous set of snakes into one's bed. Ah. No offence intended."

"None taken," Crowley said. "That lot give snakes a bad name." He eyed Aziraphale sidelong. "I, er, just want you to know that I didn't suggest that sort of activity to him."

"Oh, my dear, I would never have thought that," Aziraphale said. "Purely human decadence. Speaking of which, dinner at my house tonight? My cook has bought _far_ too many larks' tongues, and he does a particularly fine aspic for the dish. He's been feeding up snails on milk for the last week and they're enormously fat by this stage. I mean I _could_ eat them by myself but if you were free -"

"Lovely. I'll bring some rose flavoured sweets for dessert. No politics over dinner?"

"God, no. Not even if canvassers for the horse come around."

"I'll look forward to an evening dedicated to the finest decadence, then."

"Safe in the knowledge that neither of us have sisters," Aziraphale said slyly, extending an arm. "I hope a spot of fraternal affection won't be too disappointing."

Crowley rolled his eyes and slid his arm through Aziraphale's. "You angels. Always making suggestions."

"I think you'll find we always have plausible deniability," Aziraphale said. "Anyway, what _are_ we going to do about the emperor?"

"Leave him to get assassinated? Someone's bound to do it sooner or later. We can dice for who gets to claim the assassin?"

"That's horrific! Exactly what I would have expected of you – well done. Oh – I have a really _good_ Falernian laid in for tonight. Very smooth, it's like drinking velvet."

"Lovely. And if you're serving dormice again I promise to actually chew them this time. Sorry about the last party, I sort of lost control."

"I'll say."

Arm-in-arm they strolled off, discussing their dinner plans, while all around them the Roman crowds continued to gasp in pleasurable shock and outrage at the latest scandalous mockery the emperor was making of the sacred traditions of the people.

**Author's Note:**

> Incitatus, Caligula's favourite horse, never actually was a consul, and the rumour that the emperor was planning on it was probably one of Caligula's jokes, if it happened at all.  
> 
> 
> The emperor Caligula, who rejoiced in the full name Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, loathed his nickname of "Little Boots," which had been given to him as a small child by his father's soldiers when he showed up dressed like a miniature legionary. Naturally, this nickname followed him around like a bad smell.


End file.
